September, 8th 20XX
Yesterday I met Mr Martin. He said he wants to read my get-through diary starting next week. He asked me to think about it and give him an answer. The soon I answer, the better.
I won’t allow it. This is my get-through diary.
Tonight I woke up screaming. Another nightmare. I was tearing some photographs apart. They were photos of J and me. I still could not see his face, though.
During lunch at crèche I’ve looked at Loopy’s drawings. Sarah, a twenty-years-old coworker, asked me who was that bloke. My dead boyfriend would have been a sad answer. And a false one.
“He’s a lost friend”.
As I come back home, my brother calls me. Teresa has told him what I wanted to know. He remembers someone whose name began with a J but he doesn’t know who he was, nor if he was a friend of someone who has been invited. J was not Kevin and Teresa’s friend.
Here’s what I know about J:
- Grim smile/malicious grin
- Bad-mouth (not sure)
- Greek god look, reddish-brown hair, dark brown eyes (not sure)
- My boyfriend (perhaps)
- Killed himself on March, 23rd
- Met @ last Christmas party – but not a friend of my brother
I don’t know if I’m getting close to discover who J was, but this are the only things that I can recall. I must keep on searching, asking myself why I’ve forgotten our story.
September, 15th 20XX
Jacob. Jeremy. James. Joshua. Jayden. Joel. Jasper. Jamie. Jack. Joe. Jay. Jan. Jensen. Jonathan. Joseph. Junior. Jace. Jerome. Jake. Jacques. Jordan. Jamal. Jared. Jarvis. Javier.
I’ve listed all of J’s possible names. None of them tells me something.
I started it cause I’ve dreamt of him again. This time it wasn’t a nightmare, even if I saw the day he died. I was happy of being again with him. We went to the planetarium. He loved watching night sky.
- Night sky/stars watcher
My what-I-know-about-J list is growing!
I think it can be an important place to us, to our relationship. The first time I went there was December 28th, with some children of whose I took care on winter holidays. Their parents were gone out on a trip. Never expecting them to come back home before midnight, I brought the twins to the planetarium. They enjoyed it as much as I did. I’ve never seen them paying attention to anything, except that time. They were the quietest eleven-years-old boys of the world.
I still cannot say how or why it is linked to J, but that visit has something to do about him. I’m sure.
September, 16th 20XX
I’ve taken a choice: I’ll write everything I can remember and everything I will discover about J. There’s no other way to recover my lost memories and I realized it yesterday.
Loopy – I’m starting to think she’s a really good friend and a quite helpful psychologist – suggested me the idea. She said everything gets clear when it’s written and I agree. Mr Martin was right too.
I’ve read J’s possible names’ list again. Just few of them seem to catch my attention. Jasper and Joe… and Jake too. Especially the latter, but I don’t think I start to call J Jake.
September, 20th 20XX
Kevin came back last week. We dined out with his family. Cassandra was happy. She really loved the dolls that I’ve given her as birthday present.
We barely talked about last Christmas party. Teresa and Kevin know about me going to a psychologist to get through my accident, so they didn’t mention it, nor J. I just asked if they had found out who was that guest’s friend and that was all. Anyway, they said no.
Have dinner with them made me think about what J and I could have been doing while we were dating. Today I’m not working, so this morning I looked for some receipts, tickets and anything else can help me discover what I’ve done with J. I just found a Chinese restaurant receipt and a rock concert ticket. They have the same date written on them. 18th February. My birthday.
They’re not what I’ve had expected but they’re a clue. At least I’ve got someone to ask to.
Right now I’m waiting for a waitress to bring me what I’ve ordered. I’ve never been fond of Chinese cuisine but there’s no other choice. I’ve spent here my last birthday with an unknown man; maybe the owner or some waiter remember us.
Dinner’s fucking great. The greatest Chinese food I’ve ever eaten in my life. I’m so surprised that I ask to talk with the owner. I want to tell him how much I’ve loved it!
He’s a small, quite fat man. A smile suddenly lighted his face up when he saw me.
“Vicky, sweetheart! It’s been a long time”
My cold reaction stops him to add I don’t know what the hell else. How on earth he knows me!? How many times have I been here?
I ask him if he minds me writing our conversation. He shakes his head.
“How many times I’ve been dining here?”
“I ain’t sure… Three or four times per week”
“Was I alone?”
The owner, whose name is Wo Min, smiles. “You always came here with your boyfriend”
It seems so hard to breath, even now that I’m outside. I run away. Luckily, I’ve paid the bill before asking for Wo Min…
Good god! Three or four times per week?! With my boyfriend?! With J?! How can someone forget about such a routine? How could I?